Quill & Chill
A is for Aftercare
Aftercare is considered a crucial aspect of kink, although it is a bit of a misnomer. Aftercare is caring for your partner(s) before, during, and after BDSM play. In these erotic spaces, love and care co-exist with power and aggression through the practice of aftercare. At its most basic, aftercare is a post-play check-in between partners.
The Aftercare Checklist
Safety First! Always check all participants for bruising, marks, or abrasions. Some marks, such as heavy bruising, may not be visible for up to twelve hours, so remember to continue checking in for some time after your play to ensure minimal damage. Keep a small first aid kit, ice pack, arnica gel, and other necessities nearby for after play.
Snuggle In! This is a good time to thank each other for their part in the scene, cuddle up for some skin-to-skin comfort, and soothe any remaining chemical drops you might experience after the scene. Some participants may experience a 'sub-drop' or a 'Dom-drop' after play. This is the result of a physiological crash after a sudden burst of epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine, and other chemical responses during the play. Some might become emotional, withdrawn , or quiet during this time. Remember to honor your own rhythms during this time. Some people may choose to have time alone while others prefer to be close to their partner. Just remember to communicate your needs during this time.
Hydrate and Snack! BDSM can be intensely physical, so be sure to hydrate afterward with water or hot tea and grab a comforting snack. Whether you opt for fruits and veges or a favorite chocolate bar, you will need to replenish your energy.
Soothe Your Senses! You may need to ground your other senses to fully relax after a scene. Lighting a favorite candle, sipping on a sweet drink, or light-contact sensations can help to relieve any remaining pressure inside the body. You can also try soothing music or a favorite movie to relieve any mental or emotional pressure.
Communicate about your Experience! Both the Dom and sub need to communicate about their experience after the scene. This process is highly individualized due to differences in the way people process emotions, the state of mind at the time, and their own unique style of speaking to a partner. Some couples lay everything out--the good, the bad, and the messy; others may text each other throughout the week about the experience. If you're shy when it comes to verbalizing your desires, try talking in the dark, texting, or even talking from another room or inside the shower.
Process the Experience! Different people have different processing times. For some, the ability to determine what you liked, disliked, or would like to try is almost instantaneous, but for others, it may take a week or even a month. A good way to proceed is to use 'what, where, and how' questions when thinking or even journaling about the scene. For example, "What did I enjoy most about the scene?" "Was there anything that brought a feeling of distress or fear during the scene, and would I like to explore that deeper?" "If I liked a physical sensation during the scene, where on my body was it most pleasurable? Least pleasurable?" I generally try to avoid questions that might draw out a heavily stigmatized answer. For example, "Why do I do this?" "What's wrong with me?" or "Is this normal?" Remember that many people practice BDSM (and sometimes unknowingly), so although you may not be privy to your friend's sexual practices and behaviors, you can be sure that you're not alone in your preferences.
FEATHER'S THOUGHTS ON AFTERCARE
As an advanced practitioner and educator, I often have a unique view into the sexual practices of couples through the questions they ask. For newbies to the kink world, some may not even be aware of what aftercare they need or how to communicate it to their partner(s). For this question, I always ask what they do for their own self-soothing techniques. For example, if I'm angry, I might take a cold shower. If I'm sad, I might order dinner in and watch a movie. If I'm in physical pain, some quiet cuddling fixes me right up! These practices also work after a BDSM scene although, if you and your partner have a strong, committed relationship, your partner might already know what to do.
I have always included the practice of aftercare in my discussions on vanilla sex, as well. Even if you are in a more casual arrangement, aftercare shouldn't be out of the question. Communication, physical and emotional comfort, and deep intimacy are products of good aftercare, so why not use it with all of your partners? I also include it in any discussion I have with teenagers about sex, because earning to care for yourself and others, respecting boundaries, and open communication with intimate partners are all necessary skills for having a healthy, satisfying, and authentic sexual relationship.
